An Introvert’s Guide to Networking
I’d like to think of myself as a good, maybe even a great communicator. For as long as I can remember, people have either thought that I was in Sales or that I should go into the profession. If we’re being honest, I believed them wholeheartedly and now here I am, seven months into running a Sales team.
No conversation has ever scared me and I genuinely enjoy learning more about people. My mother has always told me to play the game of ‘tennis’ while conversing, meaning you hit the ball back and forth to advance and keep the rhythm. The smoother the game of tennis is, the better your discussion will be. This has been engrained in me for as long as I can remember. The irony of this all is that I am actually an introvert at my core. I’m quite relational and communicative, but large crowds stress me out more than they excite me.
Conversation is like a tennis volley. Back and forth keeps the rhythm.
This past week, I spent several days at my first Executive conference while in my new role. This was important to attend, as it was chalked full of key decision makers within our industry. As I walked in to the sea of sport-coated big wigs in a massive conference center, I could feel the butterflies in my stomach starting to flutter. This event was chalked full of high-titled veterans (CEOs, COOs, CMOs, CCOs) with major tenure and even deeper pockets. My goal was simple - make a great impression, interest them in our solutions and get the next meeting. It was not uncommon to hear someone say they had been at their company for over 20 years. Everyone seemed to know everyone, except me.
As my boss (our Managing Director) and I began to engage with our prospects, several things became apparent. First, we had very limited time to meet our customers, so we needed to succinctly and eloquently explain our solution without it feeling forced or ‘salesy.’ My boss was a wizard at this. Second, nobody knew who I was. With no prior relationships, it was easy for them to think that I was only engaging to try and win their business. This was awkward and painful for me, as I was fighting against decades of rapport from what felt like a ‘good ole boys (and girls) club.’ I did not have the luxury of asking how their kids were and I was the third wheel on most of the dates. However, I brought value where I could and kept my own. We had a long list of partner meetings that day and left with many follow ups. It was objectively a success.
If this situation gives you anxiety, you’re not alone!
However, that night while my manager and I were regrouping over a beer, he gave me some feedback that caught me very off guard.
“Matt, when you are engaging in these conversations, you are asking the wrong questions at the wrong times and it’s stalling the discussions. You are coming off as scripted and not natural. I think you’re a great communicator, but you need to improve here.”
Woah, what? Conversation tennis was my strong suit, or so I thought!
“What could I possibly be doing wrong here? You’re the one who is basically catching up with old friends. I am on the outside looking in just hoping for an ounce of discussion. This is probably your 100th event like this, this is my first!”
This is what what I wanted to say. This is not what I said. My ego was bruised. I had never thought I would be sub par in social situations, never mind a social liability. A flood of emotions hit me as he wrapped up his feedback. On the surface I calmly thanked him and told him I appreciated his candor. Then we split and I went to bed.
I spent all night ruminating on those comments. The truth was, I was wildly uncomfortable all day for a lot of different reasons and he absolutely saw it. His job is to coach me and I give him props for doing so in realtime. I am certain I could have been better. I am also certain this will not be my last Executive event, so the owness is on me to improve.
Upon further reflection of that day, I believe there is a process for everything (even for ‘small talk’). The more systematic and repeatable an approach is, the more one can act on social cues and inch the conversation forward in a productive manner. I looked to a man who shaped the business world nearly a century ago, Dale Carnegie, to help me improve at my next at bat.
How to Win Friends and Influence People
Dale Carnegie, 1936
“Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.”
As a third wheel, it was a bit awkward not leading the conversation and standing by to observe it. That is okay. In this situation, show genuine interest in the person, but LISTEN to them first. People love talking about themselves, no matter the setting (this is a universal truth). This may be counter-intuitive given the short windows we had with each prospect, but there was more than enough time to hear what they wanted to say.
Listen for:
What they do in their company (even though you probably already know)
How they know the other people in the conversation
Where they are from
How they got into the role they are in
Advance the conversation with:
“Interesting! What challenges are you facing right now?”
“How long have you been doing that?”
“How is business going?”
“That seems like a lot of responsibility, thanks so much for taking the time to meet with me/us. I have so many questions for someone like you with this kind of experience.”
The goal of this stage is not to convince them to get excited to talk to you, but MOST importantly, for YOU to genuinely become excited to talk to them. Once your genuine interest in them shows, it will likely become mutual between you both and the conversation will flow better.
“Principle 2: Smile”
Sounds simple enough, right? Not for me. When I get deep in a conversation, I can often come off as intense and determined to hear more. My wife often makes fun of me for getting so engaged in a discussion that I can intimidate the other person with my follow up questions. It’s truly genuine, but probably not a good first look and may be alarming. This isn’t the vibe you want to give off at a networking event. The goal should be to disarm, not alarm. Handshake, smile, head nod. Repeat.
“Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”
I am terrible at names. When I took my sales job, I vowed to get better with them and I have not yet done so. At this event, I noticed how many people would walk by one another and instantly say hello to a passerby by their first name. Even if that passerby was caught off guard, they’d turn around and immediately respond with the other person’s first name. It was automatic, authentic and clearly a sign that names matter.
Figure out what works for you and be consistent with it. In my case, I am now taking a few minutes to catalog (into a singular spreadsheet) all of the people I meet that day, no matter what walk of life. I am a visual person and when I type or write something out, I remember it better going forward. This can also serve as a point of reference for the next event or when I need it.
Remember, people love themselves. The least you can do is remember their first name.
“Principle 4: Be a good listener.”
This is annoyingly tough to do in time-boxed, shorter conversations. When you know you only have a few minutes with someone, it is easy to begin thinking about how you can maximize your time speaking to them. DON’T THINK LIKE THIS! Listen to what they are telling you harder than you would in an untimed conversation and it will pay dividends.
Many people notice than while they are publically speaking, they think they are going faster than they actually are. It is common place to deliberately go slower while speaking, as it helps equalize and sync their mind and mouth. In the case of networking, you must realize that an extra dose of listening will not feel awkward to the other participant. Hold back when you want to initially jump in, count to 5, then re-assess. This will force you into listening to what they are saying in more depth than you would have originally.
“To be interesting, be interested.”
“Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.”
During a networking event, it is fair to say that the other person might not actually want to be there either. For that reason, they are likely going to default to discussing what they know best and are comfortable with. Play into that hand. This is where I messed up at our event. When an awkward silence hit, I would interject with “so do you have a family?” Or “where is home?” These felt like good bridges in conversation, but the reality is that they were there to talk business (and their business specifically). Some people love to pivot to family, but Executives have a very specific mission in mind when their time is taken, so my impression was that they’d likely rather keep to business.
Note: this was only a general observation and may not be totally accurate. Time will tell. But in this case, I came across several people (> 50 years old) who did not have kids, so it was not as logical of a discussion as I’d have thought. I had to remind myself that Executives give in some aspects of life to thrive in others. It is not a bad thing, but a different way of life than I am currently living. I could talk about my children and wife all day and would love to, no matter the setting or the people, but not everyone subscribes to that.
“Principle 6: Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.”
This is the culmination of steps 1-5. If you have found genuine reason to find the other person interesting, smiled while in your conversation (and maintained eye contact), called them by their first name, listened (and listened longer…) before responding, this last part should be easy.
As you are prepping for this part, ask yourself the following - “What is it about that person that I can honestly say I admire?”
Bundle the prior few minutes of conversation into a sincere compliment. Don’t come off as patronizing, brown-nosing, or inauthentic, but rather find something that will make them genuinely feel important. As example:
“Wow, I thought I knew what X was all about, but after hearing you talk I have a new appreciation for what you do.”
“Has anyone ever told you that you have an amazing team? I’m sure you had a lot to do with that.”
“After hearing you talk about X and after doing my own research on it too, I’m really impressed with your leadership.”
“I love your jacket! Where did you get that?”
Per Carnegie, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” Take that lesson seriously.
Now that you are better equipped for your next networking event, I’ll be writing my next article about how to eloquently transition from discussion to pitch, without feeling like a slimy sales guy.
